• Follow-up to “exposing a secret”
  • One Announcement

As I mentioned in the email I sent you, I recently exposed a heartfelt secret to you about the aftermath of the experience of losing our son, Devin, 10 years ago.

If you read that message, you know the punchline: I was so afraid of offending or being judged by others who mourn and I was caught up in worrying that they could not relate to my very different experience.

I feel to the depths of my soul that I’ve truly healed from the death of my child. In fact, I’ve been given a life so full of trauma, loss and unexpected changes that I’ve realized that I yearn—ache—crave the opportunity to show others that you can be better than before. You can be happy again. You can overcome anything in this life!

This may sound simple or silly to you,and I get that. But in my experience, pretty much everyone I met said things like:
“I will never get over this” or “I will never be the same” or “A parent shouldn’t have to bury a child. I will mourn them for the rest of my life.”

In fact, many people that have crossed my path have been so fierce about protecting their “right” to keep their grief that they conditioned me not to dare mention restoration. This is why, in my own healing journey, I was uber-cautious about participating in any grief program. Because, quite frankly, I disagree with all of that.

I do not for one second believe that we’re meant to suffer through this life!

In my heart of hearts I believe that if I continue to grieve, I’m making the situation all about me. We claim to want to honor the memories of our loved ones. So I cannot understand how eternal mourning or losing my own life serves ANY purpose – let alone honoring someone. Yup, can you tell that I’m getting in touch with how deeply passionate I am about this?

Well, as you know, I wrote my piece. I tried to be very gentle and tip-toe around how deeply I ache to create a different paradigm for overcoming the trauma, loss and change. I’ve come to understand the profundity of these life challenges as a reflection of the opportunity for deep soul work and healing.

It’s not only in the death of loved ones that we grieve. We experience grief every day. What about things like divorce, a health diagnosis, disappointments in love or work, unfulfilled dreams? Whenever our life experience doesn’t matched what we expect, there will be some grieving work to do!

And even in my gentle, skirting of the issue – as the scriptures say: “the things I feared – came upon me.”

About an hour after we posted the message the little voice in my head (I call it EGO) started nagging at me. It was a visceral sick feeling in my heart and gut and I can only imagine that it was what Brené Brown refers to as a “vulnerability attack.”

I had dared to touch the wound of our humanity and say, “This can be healed if you stop picking at it!”

The things that I feared the most, the things my EGO was yelling at me:

  • “People will unsubscribe from your list! Who do you think you are claiming that you’re healed from this?”
  • “People will think you don’t love your son very much if you’ve stopped grieving about him. Don’t you know that the unspoken rule is that you will mourn him every day for the rest of your life?”
  • “People will say you’re trying to capitalize on the death of your child.”


Now I know how this EGO thing works. The kicker about EGO is that this part of our mind has the inside scoop; it literally knows our greatest fears are and it USES them against us to rein us in!

And, lo and behold, what I was afraid of did happen. A few people unsubscribed.

But, you know what? I’m really okay with that. I decided, let’s save us all some time and energy by not interfering with one another’s decisions and goals about such things.

A friend reached out to me in support (thank you Shannon Brooks) and my sweet husband Michael reminded me that it’s outrageous to think that just because I’ve done the work and healed my grief that I somehow loved Devin less.

In fact, as I was tapping on this the awareness came to me that I actually “love him more” because I continue to love and honor him every single day by living my life to the fullest. I love him by consciously choosing joyful memories and feeling tremendous gratitude for every minute of the journey we shared. That energy is so full of love that it has allowed me to sense his presence and receive messages from him!

And finally – and the last one was a biggie – the fear that someone would accuse me of capitalizing on my son’s death. That thought was a punch right in the gut. I had to do a bunch of tapping on that idea.

Here is what I tapped: (Tap along with me as you read, if you like)

(Karate Chop) Even though someone might accuse me of trying to capitalize on my son’s death, I deeply and completely love and accept that they are free to judge whatever they will. I know in my heart and to the depth of my soul that they would be mistaken.

(Karate Chop) Even though someone might accuse me of trying to capitalize on my son’s death, I deeply and completely love and accept that what I’m actually doing is capitalizing on what I’ve learned through the healing process of releasing him. I am a living lesson of faith and miracles as an outcome of tragedy.

(Karate Chop) Even though someone might accuse me of trying to capitalize on my son’s death, I’m actually very grateful that I allowed myself to bravely speak my truth to the world in an email today. I’ve followed my own hard-won understanding that I can turn pain, grief – and even anger – into fuel for doing good works.

(Top of Head) I am a healer, a coach, a mentor and I’m meant to serve God in this capacity. Let them take it up with God! (This made me giggle.)

(Between the Eyes) How many hundreds of successful sessions have I led where the parents, widows, siblings and friends have sat in amazement at the effectiveness of these tools and the Grace that God has shown us with revelation, healing and that peace beyond our understanding?

(Side of Eye) Who better to love people through the grief and pain and teach the tools of resilience than someone who has walked the path? (This stirred the fire in my heart!)

(Under Eye) What a wonderful opportunity for me to continue to do the work God has called me to do and do it for the most broken-hearted and forlorn of the world.

(Under Nose) How lucky am I to be living proof that death and loss can be overcome and, in fact, used for refining our hearts and developing our souls?

(Chin) There is no better place for me to be working right now than in this arena of healing people, reducing their suffering and introducing or reconnecting them to God so that THEY are empowered to do the work they’ve been sent here to do.

(Collar Bones) Help me God to be ever vigilant for myself and my clients in this battle for our souls.

(Under Arm) Lead me, God, on the straight and narrow way that will provide the swiftest, healthiest and most loving exploration of the stories and experiences we all share.

(Rib Cages) Thank you, God, for holding my hand and comforting me during all of those dark and terrifying days and nights. Thank you for leading me out of the valley of the shadow of death and onto the mountain top to bask in your love and light. Please draw to me those souls who are willing and ready to be released from the grips of death and grief.

So, maybe the things I feared the most had nothing to do with what anyone outside of me thought or said. As usual, my own inner bully (The EGO) tried (but failed) to hold me back and keep me from speaking my heart.

You may realize that the same holds true for you. Only our mental inner-fear-ance can hold us back. Rarely do other people actually wield any true power over what we will say, do or be in this world.

So, the question is… What’s your story? Is there an inner yearning that you’ve been wrestling with?

Is there something that you may be afraid to even speak out loud? Do you have a dream hidden in your heart? Or, perhaps there’s pain or a circumstance that is begging for healing and change?

I’d love to hear about it and to hold the faith and the space with you to make that dream or healing come true.

Share with me? I read EVERY comment, respond with loving support and, if appropriate, offer Divine Guidance when I’m inspired that it would be a blessing for you!

Can you relate to what I have experienced here?

Have you ever experienced your own version of “a vulnerability attack?”

What, if anything, is ready for change in your life?

Here’s to YOU taming your EGO and finding your Brave and Brilliant Self! (It’s probably hiding right behind that fear, right? LOL!)

Much love and big Hugs
Jan Signature-NoLastName


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